On Self-Publishing: What NOT To Do

I think self-publishing is a fantastic thing because it allows unknown authors the chance to get their work out there. It’s always existed, but with the emersion of Amazon’s CreateSpace and Kindle Direct Publishing, it’s easier (and somewhat cheaper) than ever before.

No doubt, you’ve seen or heard this quote before:

“With great power comes great responsibility.”

Often attributed to Spider-Man or, according to some, FDR. Whoever said it first, the statement is powerful for a number of reasons because it isn’t just about having great strength to accomplish something and needing to ensure you don’t blow up an entire city trying to do it. There are companies, like Amazon, that empower people to do something using the means they’ve provided. That’s the kind of power we’ll talk about here.

Amazon gives anyone with basic computer skills the ability to publish their own work. They’re making it easier and easier every day, and with that power comes the responsibility to use it… well… responsibly. Do people? God no. I once read an article detailing which Kindle conversion software did it best, and in the comment section, there was a woman who apparently uploaded 15 of her books in one week. 15. One. Five. Ten plus Five. Thirty divided by two. Seven plus eight. That’s a lot, and that might be a big problem.

Okay, let’s get one thing out of the way. There are a number of authors who shit books as if they take a daily dose of laxative before sitting on their printer… er, something like that. They aren’t extraordinary books, and they probably aren’t even great books, but mostly probably good books (since someone out there is still publishing them). The difference is that at least someone is looking at them before putting them up, and I think that’s what separates the traditional publishing platforms from self-publishing platforms.

First of all, NO author can edit their own book and catch all the mistakes. It’s just not going to happen. You can catch some of the mistakes some of the time, but never all of the mistakes all of the time. Even editors require a few passes before it’s even close to 100%. Don’t believe me? I just finished reading Stephen King’s Cell, and in one scene, Clay sits down next to Alice in one paragraph and then miraculously is standing again and sits next to her again two paragraphs down without first getting up. (MAGIC!) I’ll bet King’s books go through several passes before it even comes close to published.

Here’s an excerpt from a book on Amazon self-published by an English teacher:

“This book is a philosophical discourse that the author fathomed discussing and explaining the truth that it was entirely, impossible for his life to have turned out any different than it did, no matter how much he wanted it to or how hard, he tried to change it.”

  • HSBK, “What’s sooner to you is later for me”

That mess is just from the FORWARD, and the very first sentence. Can you imagine what the rest of the book smells like after just a whiff of that? Had an editor even glanced at that, he’d offer to fix it and the rest of the book for probably double his usual fee.

Coming from the same example above, let’s look at the blurb. I’m not trying to pick on him specifically, but he has a lot of good examples of what not to do:

“TO BE standard curriculum for ALL high school and university classrooms; a true literary classic! written with irresistible, poetic prose-a true philosophic discourse

(unique and inspiring) a spiritual fictional/autobiography about the meaning of life, the existence of God, and our place in this modern-day predicament called ‘Life’ 104,000+ words written in the 3rd/1st person omniscient”

The author didn’t even bother to try to be a little bit reasonable with the blurb. He might as well have just told everyone that it was a best-seller and that it can make julienne fries if you buy three copies and hop on one leg while reading them simultaneously.

Anyway, now that you have a good idea of what to not to do, here’s an easy list of things you NEED to do before self-publishing your work:

  1. The story must be good! (Do we really need to say this?)
  2. Edit, reedit, have someone else edit, and edit again! This does not mean your friends and family. Unless they’re either beta readers or know what they’re doing.
  3. Don’t lie in your blurb.
  4. Did I mention editing? ‘Cause you should totally edit.
  5. Take your time to do it right. You do not need to get your book out today or even tomorrow. Eventually, yes, but do it right before you dish it out.

The overall problem is the saturation of crap books that are diluting all the good books available in the Kindle store. Do it well. Do it right. Self-pubbers need to put the trust back into the readers that they aren’t just a bunch of fools vomiting onto paper and then uploading it hoping someone will buy it. You need to love your craft and give the readers something they DESERVE.

Have an opinion on self-publishing? Comment below or find me on Facebook or Twitter to tell me about it!


On Writing Horror

A serious misconception about horror suggests that it needs to be disgusting. No, not just disgusting, that it needs to be “splatterporn”. Now, I won’t lie to you. I’ve written my fair share of disgusting shit since I started writing. In 9th grade, I wrote a story for my free write assignment about a deranged serial killer student who tortures, mutilates, and eats a cheerleader. In 2013, I wrote a horror that takes place in Hell, where torturous things and disgusting visuals (might be) is commonplace. I never really went over the line just to disgust people, though. I’m talking about authors who go straight for the nasty stuff without regard to their plot or story. In the first story of mine that I mentioned, I explored the inner workings of a serial killer from the first person perspective, and in the second, well, I can’t say because it would ruin the story.

Anyway, I’ll avoid naming names, but I’ll point out that self-published authors are the worst offenders because they can pretty much publish whatever they want regardless if it’s good or not. I love reading new books by fresh writers and giving them honest feedback, and it always blows my mind when an author writes a horror novel like they just stepped out of a Saw movie.

So, how exactly are you supposed to write horror if you don’t go all James Wan on your book? Well, you approach it as you approach any horror. To scare the shit out of your reader.

First, let’s look at the definition of horror as Merriam-Webster defines it:

\ˈhȯr-ər, ˈhär-\: the quality of something that causes feelings of fear, dread, and shock : the horrible or shocking quality or character of something.

I know, I know. Some of you are shaking your heads and saying that disgusting stuff is shocking and dreadful! I know it is, but that’s not all horror is, either. There are many elements to it.

The first element you need is fear. In my opinion, without fear, you don’t have horror. If your main character is feeling fear, you need your reader to feel that fear, too. Maybe not to the point that they, too, are afraid (though big bonus points if you can scare the bajeezus out of them for realsies), but at least make them uncomfortable. Get them to a point where what’s happening in the story is so emotionally intense that if the reader were sitting in a dark room (presumably on their kindle or with a book light), then they’d start to sweat a little wondering what’s skulking around near them in the darkness.

The next element listed is dread. Have you ever thought about what dread is? It’s a fear that something may or may not happen. Dread should be normal business for most authors since you’ll always dread something in a story. Will the main character’s husband find out if she’s been cheating on his with Mr. Hunk? Will that monster smell the MC hiding inside the closet? Will the world collapse if the World-Destructor-Inator goes off before the Perry can stop it? Your reader should always be dreading that something will happen; it just depends on the situation that makes it horror.

The final element is shock. The closest definition of shock isn’t to electrify someone with high voltages but rather to disturb someone. What? Okay, okay, I know… I hear some of those marbles rolling around your heads as you shake them at me again. Yes, gross disgusting things disturb people, but they don’t disturb people on an intellectual level. There’s a huge difference.

When you write about character ‘A’ doing (insert nasty shit here) to character ‘B’, then you’re only scratching the surface of disturbing the reader. Yeah, it might be incredible disgusting, but to really disturb your reader and get under their skin, you have to really mess with their mind. You have to stick your hand right into their skull and start beating their brains around until they’re whimpering in the corner screaming for you to stop.

How do you do this? By carefully writing your horror to

  • make the reader feel uneasy about how things should progress,
  • take what they think they know and twist the hell out of it,
  • take the world of things that they know and twist them so they question their own reality, and
  • use all of that as a catalyst to reveal something they’ll be thinking about long after they close your book.

Once you’ve done those things, you can write about all the nastiness you want, assuming you have a plot that really requires it, that is. Never throw nasty in just to shock people, because although some people might like it, the vast majority of readers will see right through it as weak writing.

Do you write horror? How do you handle it differently? Let me know in the comments below or find me on Twitter or Facebook to scream at me about it!

The California Chainsaw Massacre: Prose Edition

I recently offered some suggestions to another writer about ways to cut prose to make word count. Some of us have no problem writing short stories, while some of us write epic-length pieces that pretty much crush the word requirement and then they’re left struggling to reach that dreaded word-count. So, here are a few tips to help you get down to that elusive number!

The first thing you need to do is be able to distance yourself from your prose. I think that’s probably the single hardest thing for any writer to do. Let’s face it, we love our stories, and we love even more how we’ve written it. The reason for this is that we might love that one passage, but we also have to look at it and decide if it is even necessary.

That’s part of the ‘fun’ of editing. I use ‘fun’ sarcastically there, because who really likes editing? Seriously, though, it’s not really fun to “kill your darlings” as Stephen King (was it him that said it?) likes to put it, but you have to do it. The good news is that once you learn how to detach from your prose and know how to take out what you don’t need, anything you write in the future will be that much stronger. So, it’s a win-win!

How do you go about removing what you don’t need? I don’t know. Don’t ask me. I can’t tell you. Only you and anyone that has read your story can tell you that. Here are some solid guidelines, though:

  • Does it further the plot?
  • Does it aid in plot development?
  • Is it necessary character development?

Remember, what’s totally awesome, random, and cool for you probably isn’t so exciting for the reader. Think about them first, and then think about the prose. Are you writing for them or for you? (Trick question)

Have you gone through and decided that you needed every paragraph and sentence and that if you cut any of it out it would be like cutting out your soul? Oh, man. Okay. Then we’re going to have to work extra hard with you.

The next thing you want to check is if you are using too many ‘extra’ words. What are extra words? Erm, those are extra words. Heh-heh-heh. No, seriously. The following is a list of extra words:

  • A
    • The dog ate a pie.
    • The dog ate pie.
  • An
    • It was an historic event!
    • The event was historic!
  • Others to remove: The, That, Which

You can remove these and other words without affecting your story. Again, doing this will make you a better writer in the end because it will force you to think of innovative ways of getting around it. The more you do it, the more you’ll do it while you’re writing, and your prose will usually come out much cleaner.

Condensing words is another effective way to reduce the word count. Sometimes you may have three or four words strung together in a needless description when a single word will do perfectly fine in its place. For example:

“Hi,” he said in a soft voice.


“Hi,” he whispered.

Another good way (and I’m terribly guilty of not following this advice) is to remove redundancies. There are times where we writers just get wordy. I don’t know if it’s because we just like the sound of our own inner (or outer voice), but we tend to add extra things to obvious actions. For example:

She knelt down and set the roses on the headstone.

She knelt and set the roses on the headstone.

The crimson blood poured down the wall.

The blood poured down the wall.

The fan blew air, which caused a stack of papers to fly off my desk.

The fan caused paper to fly off my desk.

Killing adjective and adverbs is another great way to slim down your fatty manuscript. While it’s true we really like those pretty entanglement of words, often times we don’t need them. For example:

He moved incredibly fast down the hallway!

He sprinted down the hallway.

She quickly turned around to see no one there.

She whipped around to see no one there.

Finally, I think one of the most effective ways is to use contractions! There’s no reason to split them apart unless your character or narrator can’t use them for some reason. Otherwise, it smoothens the sentence, and saves you all kinds of words. Most people read right over contraction, and a lot of the time, the reader will stumble on them if they aren’t because it feels so completely unnatural. Natural is what you’re going for (unless you’re not, of course)!

There you have it. Some simple ways to get your word count down. Are there other things you use to slim your prose? Let me and others know in the comments below or find me on Facebook or Twitter to holler at me!

Shift Storm: On How to Keep Your Tense Clean

I am sat here yesterday, and I write an article for you to read tomorrow. (Hey… hey you… make sure you pronounce “read” as “red” to get the full effect of that stinky sentence. HSBK must have possessed my computer! Sorry!)

I know what you’re asking, and the answer is, “Yes, we do have to write articles about tenses, shifting tenses, and how to spot it in your writing.” The reason for this is because tense is part of the foundation of your story. Think of it like building a house. The tense you use is as important to building your story as nails, glue, and cement is for building a house. If you fuck it up, the house will fall apart, right? Okay, maybe the walls won’t come down and perhaps it’ll maintain its structure for years to come because you didn’t totally skimp when creating your house, but that doesn’t mean should try to get away with it, because you can’t. No one can, and no one should try.

Tense can either turn your story into a cohesive string of thoughts or a disaster waiting to happen. Do you remember reading the first line of this article? If you didn’t, did you just reread it? Do you have a headache now? Now you know how your reader will feel when you have an entire book that shoots all over the tense spectrum. Here are some useful tips to keep your tense in line.

Three most basic types of tense:

Present Tense

Present is a tense that tells a story as it unfolds. The main character(s) deal with the events as they happen right along with the reader.


The officer standing in front of me doesn’t look impressed. In fact, his face looks as though he’s suspicious of me. I suppose that’s true since I’m the one that robbed the bank, but can he know that? If he does, what am I going to say to throw him off the trail? Well, I don’t know, but I know I need to figure out some story otherwise me and my bro are heading for the clink.

Past Tense

Past is storytelling of events that already transpired. Think of the main character sitting outside a bank that someone just robbed and he’s telling an officer what happened.


“Well, officer,” I begin, and run my hand through my hair to play it cool. “We was in the bank just minding our own business when these ruffians came in and pulled out their guns. Now, I know what you’re thinking, ‘what kind of gun?’ Well, they was big ones. The kind of guns that’ll fuck you up. Me and Mort didn’t want nothin’ to do with that, so we dropped down and shut the hell up until it was over.”

Past Perfect Tense (Pluperfect)

This isn’t very tricky. Just think of it as the past of the past. Think of all the shit happens before the story that happened before what is happening now. Confused? Me too. No, I’m only kidding. Think of what the main character is telling the officer about how he was right in the action, but then he cuts away from that to tell the officer something he remembers before that point in the story. Rather than confusing the officer, he uses past perfect to clarify when that event happened. I underlined the important text to show the past of the past.


“You know, now that I think about it, Mort had told me before we left that we should stay home. I had made some rude remark that we was just goin’ to the bank, but he had warned me that it wasn’t a good idea. See, when we was younger, Mort got, like, the sixth sense or some shit. He don’t see dead people, but had had this since age twelve that told us when danger was about to happen. I guess lookin’ back, I should’ve listened to him.”

Which tense should I use?

I don’t personally know, but figuring it out is your first important step. What does the story tell you? When I write a story and I have to decide tense, I always figure out what the story needs. Most of the time, past tense works very well. You generally can’t go wrong with it. However, there is a good reason you might choose present tense over past.

First of all, it has nothing to do with the fact that Divergent Games: Catching the Allegiant Mockingjay uses it. I can’t tell you how many writers go with first person present tense simply because a book made millions using it. If you ask me, both of those series would work perfectly fine in either present or past tense. They are terrible examples of when you really should be using present tense.

So when should you? When you want the reader to bite their fingers down to the wrist about what’s going to happen next. It doesn’t really work in third person, but consider first person present tense. The main character tells his or her story as it unfolds, and shit gets crazier and crazier until you realize it’s first person present tense and you have no clue if he will die or not. That’s the huge difference.

With first person past tense, you can safely assume 99% of the time the character will live at the end. Otherwise, who the hell is writing the story? That’s not to say you should always write first person present tense just to mess with your readers, because most of the time, if your writing is strong enough, if doesn’t matter if it’s present or past because the story is that eff’n awesome. Sometimes, though, even when it is that awesome, you just want to add that much more fuel to the fire you lit under their booty.

Can I mix tenses?

Most of the time, no. Some people will argue that style dictates otherwise, but generally, you don’t want to mix tenses because you’ll just confuse the reader. You always want to avoid that like the plague. There are, however, times when you can use it safely, though. For instance, suppose I’m telling you a story about the girl I met, and how I am embarrassed to say I made a real ass of myself. See what I did there? I’m currently embarrassed about what I already did earlier. There, mixed tense. Use it wisely.

How do you handle your tenses? Do you shift tenses as if someone slipped you a laxative or do you carefully consider your tense with each sentence you write? Let me know in the comments below or find me on twitter/Facebook to tell me I’m completely wrong! Happy Writing!