Our Little Secret

I’d love to, perhaps one day, show the world what I’ve done and reveal my masterpiece, but my inalienable friend, the one that resides deep within me and whom only reveals herself when I need her the least, just won’t let me.

It would be for the greater good. I know this. People who don’t know what I have to show them would know this, too. If they knew the secret, they’d tell me I should have told someone sooner. It’s something that will save many lives and probably it will relieve others of their pain.

There’s no mistaking the power that the truth has to make things better. Sure, sometimes, for a short time, it will hurt. It will sting. It will burn and eat at you, but the truth is always better than a lie. A lie will always feed on you. It will break you. It will constantly cause pain. Not only will it pain your emotions, but also it will make you do things to other people. It will make you hurt them the way you hurt inside because you envy their lack of pain. Yes, you may know that they, too, harbor their own lies and secrets, but they are not your secrets. They don’t feel your pain, and as such, they do not have your problems—at least not until you make your problem their problem, too.

Alice said, “Why would you tell someone our secret? Are you trying to make us hurt?”

I said, “No. I hurt enough already. You know why.”

“No, I don’t, and I don’t understand why you have to do this.”

“I don’t expect you to. After all, all of this is your fault.”

“This is our fault.”

I shift in my seat and swallow some of my water. It’s cold. It feels good. It would feel better if Alice found something better to do, but she never does and never will. My torment is her pleasure. Not as pleasurable to her as the secret things she does, but it’s high upon her list of things Alice loves to do.

I say, “Everything was fine until you came around. Then wham, life changed.”

“I’ve always been here. You just didn’t know it.”

“You really think I’m gonna believe…” I start to say, but then someone walks by me. He seems oblivious to me and Alice, but I feel like he knows. He must know. I get up and follow him, continuing with Alice quietly. “I don’t believe you’ve always been here.”

“Look at you? Your natural instinct to get up and follow a possible threat is evidence that you have always been this way.”

“Nature can be changed. Nature isn’t limited to the original predestination of my life when God created me. I had a place in this world… I had a different me once. Then when you came, you changed me. You changed my nature into this dark, disgusting thing. I may naturally be this thing I don’t like, but I wasn’t naturally born like that, so don’t pretend that I was.”

The man looks back at me. He’s attractive. I can feel Alice smiling. “Yes, he’s cute. Too bad you have to make him stay quiet about us.”

“Maybe he doesn’t know.”

“He knows.”

“But maybe he doesn’t.”

“Look at the way he smirks at you. He knows.”

“He thinks I’m pretty. All men do.”

“Perhaps you’re right. It’s not uncommon for people to overlook someone’s inadequacies simply because they value their materialistic desires far more than anything else.”

“Shut up.”

“That’s right. Like Greg.”

“I don’t want to talk about him.”

Alice continues because she knows I can’t stop her. “You remember Greg, right? Tall. Dark. Handsome.”

I grumble through my clenched teeth, and keep following the man who knows too much and yet, still not enough.

Alice says, “You liked him. He was beautiful. His body, his height, his cock. God it was all amazing. You didn’t see him, though, did you? Oh, sure, you saw him, but we know you didn’t see the kind of person he was.”

“I sure as hell did.”

“And that’s my point! You did know, and you chose to ignore it. You chose to ignore it because you wanted everything else that came with the package. You ignored it, and look what happened to you?”

I reach up and feel the two-inch scar on my chest. It’s one of twelve. Even six years later, I can clearly feel the knife as it had pierced my skin, cut deep, and as the tip grazed the quickly hallowing shell of my soul. I can feel him throbbing inside me, getting off to murdering me as he fucked me, filling me with a kind of sinister hatred, but not for him… it’s for me. I should have known, should have seen the kind of man he was, but I wanted him. I wanted him so bad I didn’t see. I chose not to see, and so I got what I deserved. And I hate myself for it.

“That’s right. Just like Greg, you know what you have to do to this guy. He will tell everyone your secret. He will show everyone what you’ve done if you let him go.”

“I won’t let him go.”

“Yes, you will. You’re weak. Pathetic. You let Greg use you, and you’ll let this guy use you, too. He’ll use your weakness, your inner submissive weakness to your pathetic cravings, and he’ll ruin you!”

“Stop!”

The man turns around. He says, “Excuse me?”

Panic and fear turn things inward. I can feel myself slipping deeper and deeper inside until I can only watch what happens next.

Alice looks around. We’re near an Ally. She says, “I’m sorry, I just wanted to ask you something.”

He’s disarmed. He smiles, and says, “Yeah, sure. What’s up, gorgeous?”

“Come here, I don’t want to say it in front of all these people.”

She takes his hand, and I can feel how strong they are. They make her hot, but what she plans to do is making her hotter. Getting her wet. making her salivate. Not me. I hate this. I hate that she makes me do these things.

In that alley, in the cover of dim shadows, where no man or woman looks because they are too busy with their lives, she does things to him. Things that make him cry with pleasure but then scream in pain. Things that make me hurt, but things that hurt him more. Soon, my hands are wet but warm. I smear it on my face trying to wipe away a tear. Alice is gone, left me to clean up her mess.

Another day, another secret.

Stop Hurting People

TKAR_RoseSome of the time, people have no idea what they’re doing to each other. A lot of the time, however, people know exactly what they’re doing. I’m talking about relationships. They’re some of the hardest things to do, even the simplest relationships can be tough. Why must we make it tougher by putting other people through hard times?

Getting into a relationship isn’t always easy. You can be the boldest most daring person in the world, and still find yourself lost for words at the beginning, before you even say hello. Even when that initial contact is made, you’ll still doubt every word that comes out of your mouth because you’re analyzing every word that comes out of their mouth.

Things can be amazing in relationships for a time, but it you’re not true, the relationship will never take hold. They’ll never flourish. Now, I’m not talking about both people. You see, just because one person isn’t connecting because they’re lost somewhere in someone else’s eyes, does not mean the other person isn’t falling in love with them. This causes a huge problem because now someone is suddenly investing their heart into something that will never work without the other person’s investment into the relationship.

Love is a powerful thing. It will make people do some incredible things. Sometimes those things are incredibly endearing and sometimes incredibly wonderful. Love makes us who we are because without it, we would be an even more dangerous and destructive race of people.

However, love can also dangerous in that it can destroy you and make you destructive. All of that incredible stuff you did, is now no longer fueled by desire to make the person you love feel wonderful. Now, your desire is either self-destruction or the destruction of others, which is where you start to do incredibly stupid things.

By leading someone down a path where they might fall for you and you aren’t fully invested (for instance you’re still in love with your ex), then you’re setting them up for destruction. How dare you do that to someone? How dare you get into a relationship where you cannot love that person back because you are currently broken?

You can’t, and you shouldn’t. You should always wait a length of time—it’s different for everyone—before jumping into something new because you need to be sure you are available for that person. Available for the love and commitment they are seeking from you. You can’t be this broken thing, and expect everything to work out, and you can’t expect them to be okay if you’re using them to unfuck yourself. You just can’t do that to people, and yet people do it all the time.

Why? Why do people do this? Are people so self-centered that they can’t think about other people when getting into something emotional? Relationships aren’t one-sided. They’re not one-sided. There are two sides to a relationship. I’ve said that three times now because people don’t seem to get it. You might be trying to unfuck your heart, but in the meantime, you’re fucking someone else’s heart. Is that fair? Is that right?

The last thing I want to talk about is how you approach exiting this broken thing you started. You don’t do it by blaming the other person for you exiting. No, you were broken to begin with, so own up to it. You don’t tell them the reason it won’t work by comparing them to the person you were originally trying to unfuck yourself from, and you sure as hell don’t do it right before you go back to that person. The truth is, you were broken from the get, and unless they were seriously fucking up, it probably isn’t their fault it didn’t work. It’s your fault. Don’t forget that, and don’t blame them, because all you’re going to do is break the fuck out of them some more. So, don’t be that asshole.

Love to love. Love to be loved. Don’t love to unfuck yourself, because that’s not love, that’s abuse.

Listen to the audio version of Your Broken Heart here: